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Listen
to Your Children When I grew up in the 1950's my family
was a healthy one. We
shared meals and experiences of the day -- the joys, the sorrows, the
frustrations, the triumphs, the profound, the mundane.
When I fell victim to the brutality of the world, someone was there
to share my pain, bind my wounds, wipe away my tears, and help me regain
the strength to venture forth again.
When I had something to say, someone was likely to be there who
would listen with some measure of respect.
In that slower-paced time, many American families were like mine.
This model of family, however, seems to be passing from the scene.
Today, we are so enslaved by the vast
multitude of things to do, to have, to be involved in, that we have become
accustomed to being busy, many of us nonstop busy.
On a typical day, we meet other members of our family coming and
going. One or more of us will
likely have a ball game, a meeting, or some other activity outside the
home most evenings and much of the weekend.
Even when together at home, we are
distracted from being present to each other by television, the newspaper,
video games, or preoccupation with the concerns of the day.
I think most of us honestly think that the members of our family
are our first priority. But
what does how we spend our time say? When I started a four-year term on the
city council in my small town, my son was eight years old. Taking any job or volunteer position involves a commitment to
do it well. I was several
months into my council term when I realized that with gradually increasing
involvement in church work, I had become over involved.
I had, without realizing it, put myself in the position of
frequently choosing between being a good city councilman or a good church
volunteer on the one hand, and being a good father on the other. And I found myself often making the wrong choice.
My wife had quit work when my son was born and was at home to raise
him, but still I was unwilling to be AWOL from his life.
This was an option I Just could not accept. I had heard myself saying, "I can't play ball with you today, I have to prepare for my meeting." "Not tonight, I have a meeting." "Not now, I'm trying to watch the news." These put-offs must be rare compared with the times when we do have time for our children -- or we send a powerfully negative message. They can see clearly where they fall in our priorities. Many times my son wanted to tell me
something while I was trying to watch the news.
If I tried to put him off or listen distractedly, trying at the
same time to catch the gist of whatever news story was on, he seemed like
a burden to me. And he no
doubt experienced some degree of rejection of his worth as a person.
On the other hand, the times I put the news aside and, present to
him only, listened to whatever he had to say, were precious times -- he
was a gift not a burden. I made progress in correcting my AWOL
situation by staying up later at night.
It certainly helped provide more time with my family, particularly
my son, but five hours of sleep was not enough and I know it took its
toll. Still, it was a good
trade-off. By listening with full attention, we
tell our children that they are worth something and that they are loved.
We parents (and teachers of very young children) represent the
upper limit of what our young children can come to expect from life.
This is an awesome responsibility.
We must be present to our
children, be theirs, when we listen to them.
No matter how trivial what they are saying seems to us, it is a
part of them that they have seen fit to share with us, to offer up to us
for acceptance. If we reject
it, we are to an extent rejecting them, something we would never do, were
we conscious of it. Listening, of course, is not the only
way we demonstrate our love for our children.
But as it is so pivotal in the development of a healthy self-image,
it is an essential element, and it is certainly one that gets short shrift
in our culture today. I was
lucky. I think I realized in
time that I had not been listening. In
any case, my son is 27 now and has turned out to be a very kind,
competent, and self-confident person, and a good friend as well.
And listening doesn't just work wonders with children. My marriage, now approaching 36 years, is still going strong.
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